Yesterday my old friend John Evans married a new friend, Caitlyn Drewes. John and Cait met as Peace Corps volunteers in Bangladesh in 2000 (which is where John met his first wife, Katie, who tragically passed away in 2007.) The last time I'd seen most of the Evans family was at the first wedding in 2004. Helen and I ventured from Washington DC to northwest Indiana for the occasion, which is probably the one and only time I'll ever attend a wedding in a converted barn.
Yesterday's wedding took place at Cait's family home in Stanford, CA. The first wedding there--of Cait's parents--took place 45 years ago in the same gardens where John and Cait exchanged their vows. This was remarkable to me, and wonderful. Also amazing--the presence of Father Bill McIntire, a priest who has worked on behalf of social justice in Bangladesh for decades. John sent me many letters from Bangladesh during the Peace Corps years, and they often mentioned Father McIntire. The Father offered the blessing, and then he happened to sit down at the table I chose for dinner.
The most amazing thing of all: several of Katie's family members were among the wedding party. The world lost Katie two years ago, but I never worried that John and Cait were marrying too quickly. After all, she and John have known each other for years. It seems likely that they're going to settle down and have a big family in the Bay Area, and I'm glad I'll be close by.
But, if I were in Katie's family, I'm not sure I would have wanted to be there in person for the consecration of this next chapter. I admire their great love for John and for the memory of their daughter, aunt, and sister.
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Before the wedding yesterday, I had a birthday lunch with Helen (her birthday was last Tuesday.) She treated me to a birthday dinner in March, when the wound from our decision to divorce was much more fresh. At the time I didn't even think she'd remember my birthday (I was always better with dates), much less take me to dinner. We met at the Westfield Mall, which is conveniently located for people who need to get back to Berkeley (Helen) or venture elsewhere in SF (me). The dinner was nice, but I was very sad when the moment of separation came that night.
By yesterday, several months had rolled by. It's now less than a month before the divorce is official, but I've felt divorced for a while. So I was looking forward to seeing Helen, but didn't think it would affect me all that much. We kept changing our mind about where to eat, but eventually landed at a sushi place a few blocks from my apartment.
Our banter was very natural, and we slid easily into the same relationship roles we'd occupied for years. After lunch we strolled around the Mission, because I wanted to show Helen an antique phone featuring Kermit the Frog (which I knew she would like) and to go to Ritual Coffee Shop (because I needed a french press brew.)
So when the moment of parting came, once again it was very hard. I know that Helen and I have different goals in life, and that splitting up is better for both of us. But we really did have something special back in our glory days, which makes it all the harder to accept a decision I know is right.
I went straight from lunch with Helen to John and Cait's wedding, and thus found myself more melancholy at such a happy occasion than seemed appropriate. I suppose the juxtaposition of the lunch and the wedding wasn't the best idea, but I've long since given up trying to shield myself from the emotional blows of life. The best we can ever do is learn how to manage them.
This is so well said Marcus. The truth in it flows with a saddness for me on many levels. It really is all we can do to learn to go with the flow of this river of life
Love
Aunt Linda
Posted by: [email protected] | July 13, 2009 at 08:34 PM
Beautiful post, Marcus!
Looking forward to catching up soon,
John
Posted by: John Evans | July 23, 2009 at 12:17 AM