Sinking In

Since I moved to the Mission three weeks ago, this weekend was the first in which I did not distract myself with moving-in chores.  Two weeks ago I set up the apartment to be more cozy, last week involved buying lots of things at Target.

This weekend required none of that, so I was left with more time to ponder how I arrived here.  In these early days of Mission life, I've been unimpressed.  The Beauty Bar a few blocks down the street blasts annoying techno and attracts 22 year olds; a 1/2 block north I can get all the crack a man could ever want or need.  And almost two weeks ago a middle-aged dude offered me at least $300 to sleep with him.

No thanks, to any of that.  SF, you are a very long way from winning my heart.

I know that most of my crabbiness stems from how I got here; if Helen and I had picked this apartment together, it would feel much different.  I do appreciate the great restaurants, parks, and cultural offerings that are a short walk from my apartment, and the Mission is amazingly well-connected to the rest of the city and the East Bay by public transit.  So I'm here for a while, and hope that I'll grow to love it.

Helen and I decided to get a divorce three months ago today (or tomorrow, since we had the conversation at midnight.)  I filed for divorce the following Wednesday, on February 4.  California law requires a six month waiting period if nothing is contested, which is our situation.  So the divorce will be official in early August.

Thus I am still married as I write this, even though the ring is off my finger and I took the picture of me and Helen at the Eiffel Tower off my desk at work (I would constantly look at it during conference calls.)  I feel divorced now, and often find myself resentful at the caprice of the California legislature that's forcing me to wait until August for this feeling to be legally validated.

That said, there is some wisdom in that six month rule.  For the truth is that no amount of writing--no amount of talking with friends, family and counselors--will make this loss become bearable any sooner.  Yesterday I went back to Berkeley to have dinner with friends.  I timed it so that I could go to the old apartment to get my mail.   Helen is out of own this weekend, so I told her that I'd water the plants.  I did that, but I also washed the dishes and took out the trash. 

Why?  Obviously this was not my responsibility, but I used to take some satisfaction in keeping things going at the old place.  And I still feel much more at home in Berkeley than I do here.  I don't know if doing all these chores was a good way to connect with the past or a sign of a refusal to let go.  I guess it was  a bit of both.

The first week after the big decision to split I would break down in tears whenever I told anyone about it.  Then I grew tough and robotic, laying out all the very logical reasons why it made sense to get a divorce.  Then I became distracted with my goofy sublet in Cole Valley, followed by trying to find my own place next to annoying techno bars and sex-starved taqueria patrons. 

Now that's all done and I'm left to face the enormity of losing a relationship that lasted 10 years, which will have profound effects upon me for the rest of my life (both the relationship, and its loss.)  So those tears are starting to well up again, and 6 months seems like just the blink of an eye.

Comments

[Allison Landa]

Great writing here, Marcus -- honest and heartfelt with no glib conclusions.

See you tomorrow.

[Dana]

Marcus,

I found your blog by mistake yesterday. I was googling "divorce music" to look for some songs for a new iPod playlist to help me through my own divorce process. And 'lo and behold, your "Listening to Pop Music While Getting a Divorce" post popped up in the results.

I've now read through all your marital musing posts. I think I've related to you more than any other person, article, book, blog, or resource that I've come across in the 48 days since my husband sprang the "d" word on me. My situation, like yours, isn't hostile, or vengeful, or vindictive. Just two people with different goals, growing in different ways. Which I think makes it even more difficult to comprehend and process at times.

I know you've finished writing on the divorce, but perhaps I'll continue following your blog anyway. As a San Francisco native who is currently stuck in Columbus, Ohio, I find your adventures and musings intriguing. Perhaps they will keep me entertained as I work towards the day that I, too, can talk about the end of my marriage without tearing up.

Thanks for your posts,
Dana

[Marcus]

Dana--thanks so much!! But don't be too hard on Columbus; I grew up there. :) And am now in San Francisco, ironically enough.

[psyche543@aol.com]

Lovely accurate comments. Beautiful writing Marcus. I am just revisiting. You and Dana seem to be star crossed travelers...on several levels :>)
Aunt Linda